It seems lately like any chaw-spitting rube with the ability to discern the business end of a gator from the pleasure end (ask me later) is capable of quickly incapacitating one. They sneak up on it from behind like a coward, grab the gator's clamped mouth and then tape it shut, bag it, etc. Big deal. I don’t know about you, but that’s not how I’ve dreamt of kicking the shit out of a gator. I mean, if you’re comfortable with forever having an asterisk next to your alligator fight, fine by me. Knowing people are gonna see that mark, then follow it to read something like “Oh by the way, I totally cheated by sneaking up on the alligator, and there was zero honor associated with my victory, just an fyi.”
Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky, lots of people never even read the footnotes. I know I don’t. Who’s got the time? I’ll see that asterisk, drop down the page, then quickly scan the lower right margin before coming to my senses and realizing “This is dumb! Who cares! A second ago I was reading and now I'm on some sort of scavenger hunt? They couldn’t have just parenthetically relayed the information?”
Trust me, you don’t want any part of that shit. I know you might not be able to relate to what I’m saying, yet. But someday, when the time comes for you to walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll be damn glad to look down and see that you're wearing alligator-skin boots.
Tools Needed: standard automobile jack, can-do attitude, nerves of whatever is harder than steel, or, if necessary, steel.
Approach him from behind and clear your throat loudly. Or circle him while muttering, "Well, well... and so it begins." Now that you've alerted him to your presence like a gentleman, everything from here on out is fair game. He should turn and lunge. Avoid his first bite-attempt. As his mouth opens after snapping shut, leap up into the air and towards his open mouth using a head-first flip. If done properly, you’ll land in his mouth, safely behind his teeth and in total darkness.
Don’t panic. Remove your auto jack, place it on the bottom of his mouth, then use it to crank his mouth open. Now that you can see, step on the beast’s tongue while pulling on the end of it, stretching it out like a rubber band. Now begin plucking the tongue as if it were a stand up bass... Part of me thinks this is a dick move (you’ve already got him, why humiliate him further) but part of me thinks that, regardless of the circumstances, the creation of music is a wonderful thing that should be cherished and encouraged... and I’d like to believe that deep down in his reptilian heart, the alligator feels the same way, and would understand.
When you’re done playing, while still inside, punch the roof of the creature’s mouth. His eyes will spin back into his head like slot machine reels, finally stopping to reveal two dollar signs at which point he’ll vomit up a wave of shiny gold coins that will lift you up and out of his mouth, depositing you to safety several yards away. Dust yourself off and help yourself to however many coins you can carry! He won't need it. As we all know, gold is worthless in alligator heaven.
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