How To Beat Up Anything

It was less than great! Things went awry. You can read about it here. 

Inspired by this great post 100 Best First Lines from Novels I decided to come up with my own list of the the ten worst first lines from novels. Here they are:

 

 

1) No, he never does manage to win her over but let me tell you how he didn't. - A Thing That Happened One Time, by Pomple Withers

 

2) GRARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! - Lament of the Woodsmen, by Jake Larue

 

3) A common belief about tax law fiction is that it's boring and that is very true however here is some tax law fiction. - The Tax Law Seduction, by Bette Marklesworthy

 

4) Boy, that sure is a lot of giraffes, I see one giraffe, two giraffes, there's three, and four giraffes. - Many Giraffes, by Linden Carl

 

5) A hat can say a lot about a man and here is what it said about Gary, the party promoter. - The Gary I Knew, by Harold Plemp

 

6) It was a blustery fall day when Optimus Prime returned home early to find his wife boning Dracula. - Transformer vs Vampire vs Karate Guy, by Pete "Karate Guy" Daniels

 

7) Not sure what my bunkmate Hemingway's been scribbling about over there but here's what I've been up to. - Another Look At War, by Timple Jons

 

8) Women and children first has always been more of a guideline rather than a hard rule and I think history will prove me right on that. - Absolutely, It Was Bad, I Concede That, by Captain Jerry Fontaine

 

9) Bullets rained down on us like-- nope, that's actually just rain. - Steve Just Hangs Out by Steve Eckhardt

 

10) I'm a dumb shithead and even though this isn't really the first line no one will care because I, Donald Trump, am pure garbage - The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump

 

For Valentine's Day I bought twelve white doves to release after a nice dinner with a lady, as a romantic gesture, along with rose petals and a violin player. I got the doves awhile back and the box was small, I guess, and well they sort of turned on each other?

Two are dead, others are bruised, missing feathers, seemingly feral, some have (very minor) bleeding etc. One has what can only be described as a "darkness" to him, and his eyes never leave me. Even when I close the box, move to a new spot and then open it again, he's still staring at me with his cold, dead eyes. I think he may be their leader?

Anyway, my question is, still a nice gesture or no? I'd hate to be out nine bucks (Also, my friend Gary thinks they might actually be pigeons? And that one is "absolutely some kind of rodent.") Thanks! Really want to make this a special night. 

I'm doing a reading in Columbus, Ohio. If you have a way of getting to it that doesn't involve boarding a plane, you should do it! (Honestly, I'm not funny enough to justify a flight.)

Tickets $15 general public, $20 general public plus reception,* $10 Members of the Friends Foundation of Worthington Libraries & McConnell Arts Center (*wine reception included)

Tickets are available at the McConnell Arts Center by phone at and online. 

WHEN June 14, 2012 7:00pm - 9:00pm WHERE Peggy R. McConnell Arts Center 777 Evening Street Worthington, OH 43085

Hello! Thank you in advance for reading this. I am offering a bounty of one thousand dollars to the first person who beats up Chris Brown.

In the past I've written a lot of comedic, not-to-be-taken-seriously stories regarding how to beat up people and things for fun. This isn't that.

Chris Brown is a horrible human being. This is something we should all agree on.

Chris Brown brutally assaulted and threatened to kill a woman. He does not even pretend to be sorry for that fact and shows almost no awareness of what he's done. For this crime he got probation.

He did not deserve a second chance but he somehow got one. He immediately squandered that chance when he flew into a rage-filled tantrum, broke a window, smashed a room and intimidated dozens of people present at a morning show appearance.

But, that was like months ago, a dreadful person might say. Well then, how about the fact that just the other day he actually referenced the possibility of beating up another woman while hitting on that woman. You know, like a joke. Like the kind a monster would make, in a movie, before killing you.

Around that time an antiquated awards show actually GAVE HIM AN AWARD and let him perform on a stage in front of millions of people, TWICE, sending a clear message to society, abused women and young girls everywhere that, "Hey, this kind of thing happens, sorry ladies. There is money to be made by a shitty organization. You understand, right?”

Grammy Awards, there is blood on your hands. Not actual blood, of course, like the kind Chris Brown had on his hands after he committed that heinous crime he never paid for, I’m talking about the figurative kind. 

Oh, and then he went home and tweeted this: "HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That's the ultimate FUCK OFF!"

Fuck, this guy should be in jail for his grammar alone. To clarify, Chris, when you savagely attack someone much smaller than you and get off with little to no punishment, it's not “hating” when people dislike you. Society says you kind of have to swallow some shit for awhile. 

So… 1000 bucks to the first person who pummels him. Go get it.

Here’s where it gets tricky, legally. I consulted with a lawyer about my liability and she said the following:

“Theoretically, if you tweeted an offer of $1000 to anyone who punched Chris Brown and someone actually believed you were serious and did it, and that person was criminally prosecuted for the assault, you could theoretically also be prosecuted, though the likelihood of that happening seems incredibly remote. The theory of prosecution for you (as distinct to the theory of prosecution of the person who did the hitting) would probably be what's called "solicitation." In New York, you could be charged with criminal solicitation because you arguably solicited, requested, commanded, importuned or otherwise attempted to cause someone else to engage in criminal conduct. 

Here's the catch though (and why I think it wildly improbably that you would be prosecuted): the prosecutor would have to show that you had the specific intent that the person actually commit the crime. If you tweeted it, obviously intending it as a joke with no actual intent that someone would do it, then I can't imagine a reasonable prosecutor pursuing charges.”

 So, for legal reasons I will say this is partially a joke, and partially a way to bring some measure of pain and discomfort (non-physical) to a terrible, vicious human being who deserves far worse, HOWEVER, if you were to hit him and then email me video proof of that beating, I would absolutely, one hundred percent guaranteed send you a thousand dollars. You know, that money I already owed you, or something.

(Honestly, I like our chances with a sane jury.)

To be clear, beating him up means at least two solid punches. He looks like the kind of guy you could easily drop with one clean shot, so if he crumples immediately and your next punches misses, don’t worry, it still counts. This is NOT MURDER, it’s an ass-kicking. Just hit him. I’ve had my ass kicked before, as I’m sure some of you have. It’s not the worst thing in the world to lose a fair fight. Sometimes there’s even something to be learned afterwards.

I’m sure he has bodyguards, so you’ll have to run/slip past them, hit him, then run before the bodyguards can get to you. That would be ideal. If you get arrested, your legal bills are your own. Try not to get arrested. This offer expires in one month.

Now, in general I do not advocate committing random acts of violence, or anarchy- that kind of thing is wrong… but surely we can make an exception in the case of a man who hits a woman, right?

After all, isn’t that what we do when it comes to Chris Brown, we make exceptions and put aside what’s right so that someone can make some money, right? That’s all I’m doing here.

Good luck.

-Kevin Seccia