How To Beat Up Anything

Inspired by this great post 100 Best First Lines from Novels I decided to come up with my own list of the the ten worst first lines from novels. Here they are:

 

 

1) No, he never does manage to win her over but let me tell you how he didn't. - A Thing That Happened One Time, by Pomple Withers

 

2) GRARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! - Lament of the Woodsmen, by Jake Larue

 

3) A common belief about tax law fiction is that it's boring and that is very true however here is some tax law fiction. - The Tax Law Seduction, by Bette Marklesworthy

 

4) Boy, that sure is a lot of giraffes, I see one giraffe, two giraffes, there's three, and four giraffes. - Many Giraffes, by Linden Carl

 

5) A hat can say a lot about a man and here is what it said about Gary, the party promoter. - The Gary I Knew, by Harold Plemp

 

6) It was a blustery fall day when Optimus Prime returned home early to find his wife boning Dracula. - Transformer vs Vampire vs Karate Guy, by Pete "Karate Guy" Daniels

 

7) Not sure what my bunkmate Hemingway's been scribbling about over there but here's what I've been up to. - Another Look At War, by Timple Jons

 

8) Women and children first has always been more of a guideline rather than a hard rule and I think history will prove me right on that. - Absolutely, It Was Bad, I Concede That, by Captain Jerry Fontaine

 

9) Bullets rained down on us like-- nope, that's actually just rain. - Steve Just Hangs Out by Steve Eckhardt

 

10) I'm a dumb shithead and even though this isn't really the first line no one will care because I, Donald Trump, am pure garbage - The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump

 

For Valentine's Day I bought twelve white doves to release after a nice dinner with a lady, as a romantic gesture, along with rose petals and a violin player. I got the doves awhile back and the box was small, I guess, and well they sort of turned on each other?

Two are dead, others are bruised, missing feathers, seemingly feral, some have (very minor) bleeding etc. One has what can only be described as a "darkness" to him, and his eyes never leave me. Even when I close the box, move to a new spot and then open it again, he's still staring at me with his cold, dead eyes. I think he may be their leader?

Anyway, my question is, still a nice gesture or no? I'd hate to be out nine bucks (Also, my friend Gary thinks they might actually be pigeons? And that one is "absolutely some kind of rodent.") Thanks! Really want to make this a special night.