Not just an Olympian but an 8-time gold medal winning Olympian. It’s true. Not a lot of people have heard about that part.
There are two schools of thought on Michael Phelps – those that feel that Michael Phelps has captured the imagination of our country… and those fiercely opposing them, who insist the correct way of referring to the phenomenon is to say that Michael Phelps has carried on a love affair with America.
To those in the former group – Michael did indeed capture the imagination of the entire country. Unfortunately, he will be unable to keep it prisoner and a short time from now it will escape from him, never to return. But don’t fret, Michael. You flew higher and burned brighter than most of us ever will, much like the proverbial phoenix, minus that part where the phoenix rises from the ashes. Soon you will be forced to make a home among those ashes, forever looking like you just got done rubbing a newspaper on your face and body, clothes frayed, hair dusty, endorsements non-existent…
Here’s what you must do if you wish to defeat Michael Phelps. The thing is, out of water, he’s a mortal man, no different than you or I.
Susceptible to punches, kicks, just about anything you can dream up. In the water? In the water he is a raging dynamo of strength, speed and grace that could bring a tear to your eyes and a shocked whisper to your lips. A whisper he would then punch back inside of you. He can control dolphins (according to legend, he high-fives them) and create whirlpools with a mere thought. I think my point is clear, hunt him on dry land.
Warning: You might get cocky, batting him around like a rag doll on dry land and decide to start taking chances. Do not. You could have his hit points down ninety-nine percent, if he’s able to immerse himself in water for even a split second HE WILL IMMEDIATELY GAIN ALL HIS STRENGTH BACK. AND HIS NECK WILL NOW HAVE THREE PINK GILLS ON EACH SIDE FLAPPING IN AND OUT, LIKE THEY’RE BREATHING HARD AND IT WILL LOOK WEIRD AND YOU WON’T WANT TO TOUCH THEM. Then it’s game over. Just like that. Turns out he was playing water polo, when the whole time you only thought it was regular polo. Dumb.
At this point he’ll butt you with his head like a seal until you die.
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