Despite hard evidence to the contrary, not all office workers are the same. They oftentimes vary in hair color, height and even ideas. That being the case, the techniques you'd use for fighting one would also vary. For the purposes of this article I'll use my good friend and sometime co-worker, who we'll call "Gerry." Gerry's a nice guy, generous to a fault, and a talented writer who's vouched for me numerous times, leading to my getting several really enjoyable jobs. I have absolutely no reason to think about fighting him.
Which is why, the only way I can ensure my safety and continued existence, IS TO THINK OF EXACTLY THAT. To do ANYTHING LESS, is as good as signing my own death warrant. (I actually had to do this once, years ago, on a trip through the Congo. I just hastily scrawled something illegible and then later claimed it wasn't my handwriting. How'd that work out for me, you ask? Well, I'm still here aren't I?)
Gerry is fond of trench coats and often looks as if he's got, minimum, four guns stashed on his person at any time. (I'm guessing... shoulder, waist, inner thigh, and a mini-derringer wrapped in a balloon, safely lodged in his esophagus, connected to a fishing line tied to his molar) However, like most people, his only actual weapon is a hunting knife he keeps stashed in his bottom desk drawer. My desk, on the occasions on which I'm working with him, is located across an aisle, on the other side of a tiny partition from his. For the purposes of this exercise, that's where you'll be launching your attack from. When you yourself befriend a co-worker (maybe Gerry) before deciding to turn on him for no reason at all, the details of the seating arrangement may vary slightly.
The plan is to leap over the partition, let loose a war-cry, and bring my hatchet down upon him before he can strike back with his blade. (Is your co-worker unarmed? If he is, you've already stopped reading, won your battle, and are at the pub celebrating. Congrats!) Now, the problem is; even with the element of surprise, the distance between the desks is great enough to give him ample time to look up while instinctively opening his drawer, grabbing his knife, and launching a counter-attack. It really is a 50-50 gamble, with no advantage for the instigator. Whoever gets there first, wins... and lives... and arranges burial of the other... and pays an awkward visit to the other's family and loved ones explaining what happened... Those are sucker's odds. Here's how I get those numbers up to a respectable 73-27.
I'm going to spread blackberry jam on the handle of his desk drawer. Sound crazy? And delicious? Read on.
Gerry is a creature of habit, born of pure fighting instinct. When he senses the fluctuation in the atmosphere caused by a slightly dumpy body carving its way through the air towards him, followed by my scream, WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING at the handle he'll have opened the drawer and grabbed the blade. HOWEVER, if, when he reaches out expecting the steely touch of the handle and instead caresses a gooey, sticky, 100% natural, organic jam covering (I mean, you wanna do it right...) he'll have no choice but to momentarily break concentration and look over, perplexed. Thus giving me the 1/18th of a second advantage I need to end him. It's like absent-mindedly grabbing a glass and drinking from it expecting soda and then briefly recoiling before your mind realizes you're actually drinking iced tea. Like that, but with violence at the end of it.
Note: If this is one of those offices where some needy bastard brings his dog in cause he can't stand to be without it for 8 hours, extra care must be taken. Check the jam covering hourly, and if the dog has licked it off, reapply until the time comes to make your move. If need be, cover EVERY handle in the office with jam, to at least keep the dog busy, and delay having to re-jam Gerry's handle. Or, cut a side deal with the dog. "Lay off the jam for today, dog - just today - and then enjoy jam every day for the next five years, free of charge. That's right... five DOG YEARS."
If 4:30 rolls around and you still haven't made your move, just get out of there and leave it for the next day. No point in staying late just to beat up your co-worker. Good hunting!
Recent Comments