How To Beat Up Anything

Not just an Olympian but an 8-time gold medal winning Olympian. It’s true. Not a lot of people have heard about that part.

There are two schools of thought on Michael Phelps – those that feel that Michael Phelps has captured the imagination of our country… and those fiercely opposing them, who insist the correct way of referring to the phenomenon is to say that Michael Phelps has carried on a love affair with America.

To those in the former group – Michael did indeed capture the imagination of the entire country. Unfortunately, he will be unable to keep it prisoner and a short time from now it will escape from him, never to return. But don’t fret, Michael. You flew higher and burned brighter than most of us ever will, much like the proverbial phoenix, minus that part where the phoenix rises from the ashes. Soon you will be forced to make a home among those ashes, forever looking like you just got done rubbing a newspaper on your face and body, clothes frayed, hair dusty, endorsements non-existent…

Here’s what you must do if you wish to defeat Michael Phelps. The thing is, out of water, he’s a mortal man, no different than you or I.

I can see you snidely shaking your head. So confident in thinking you already have the key to beating Achilles. Well hold on a second mythology buffs and people who enjoy metaphorically indicating their weaknesses to others, the answer isn’t as simple as it seems. Did you just mutter “shoot him in his Achilles’ heel”? (which is coincidentally located in his actual heel) Then congratulations! YOU ARE DEAD. ACHILLES HAS JUST MURDERED YOU TO DEATH.

Happy? Well, luckily for you, I was just making a point. He hasn’t actually killed you. Next time you might not be so fortunate.

As we all know Achilles was a nearly invincible warrior from Greek Mythology, who also starred in that book, The Iliad. He gained his invulnerability after his mother dipped him into the magical river Styx. However, she dipped him by holding him by the heel (that’s a crazy display of grip strength. and keep in mind, this is pre- the invention of stress balls so, yeah, maybe she practiced crushing apples or something) thus his heel did not gain the protective properties of the water.

I think we'd all agree, one of the most beautiful and rewarding relationships life has to offer is that of a father and his son. It will be an honor for you to damage such a union. Let's begin.

You know that old myth about twins? How, if you hurt one the other will feel pain, and vice versa? (Popularized though probably not originating with G.I. Joe's evil twins, Tomax and Xamot... That's right, there's something curious about those names isn't there? Look closely at them. In fact, write one of the names down on a piece of paper, go into your bathroom, and hold the piece of paper up to the mirror. Now look at the person holding the piece of paper. That person is a zero.)

That myth about twins isn't true, but it kind of applies to fighting father and son teams. Because they have feelings for each other, because they care about each other so strongly, hurting one will hurt the other (I'm not talking, like, magic or anything. If you break the father's pinkie the son won't feel pain in his pinkie, he'll merely feel awful overall. I don't know about you, but I'll take it). Use this to your advantage.

Dorothy's reluctance to engage them is your blessing. You'll be the first person on record to notch a "W" against one of these actually quite proud creatures.

Step One: Wait safely behind a regular tree for your tree-opponent to stop throwing apples. Then, toss your hat (note: you will need a hat for this fight) out into the open. If the hat is suddenly pummeled with apples, you'll know the tree was only pretending to be out of apples. Throw another hat (note: you will need a back-up hat for this fight) out, and repeat until no apples follow.

Step Two: At this point step out from behind your hidey-tree, approach the tree you're fighting, then kick it right square in its tree-creature eye. Kick it again, in the eye. Avoid the creature's mouth as this is its last line of defense. Continue kicking its eyeball until the tree dies or verbally submits. Losing interest in this fight? Feel free to mix things up, by kicking the other eyeball for a time.

Bonus: At some point pick up one of the tree's discarded apples and take a delicious bite out of it. Say something obnoxious like "Mmm... Y'know I don't even really like apples.. but thanks." Or "Hey jerk, thanks for all the help 'keeping the doctor away,' I appreciate it." If he doesn't get the reference and asks what you're talking about, DO NOT EXPLAIN THE JOKE. You've missed your moment, just go back to kicking it to death.

The boxer is a dangerous opponent. Not one to be taken lightly. Fortunately, I have the key to beating him up.

Ideally, what you would do to defeat a boxer is immediately begin taking lessons in the art of "boxing," and then through much practice become better at "boxing" than your opponent. That way when you eventually fight your opponent, your superior boxing ability will allow you to beat him up or "win" the boxing contest.

Note: Do not ask the boxer you will soon be fighting for the lessons. He is liable to become suspicious, eyeing you carefully while scratching his chin, and saying something along the lines of "Wait a minute... Why do you suddenly want to learn boxing? Does this have anything at all to do with our upcoming fight?" Then he'll either clobber you in the snoot or sabotage you by teaching you deliberately ineffective, made-up moves like the "light-as-you-can punch" and the "eyes close-chin expose."

No good at boxing? Well then, while failing at it you may have observed that hitting your opponent with a baseball bat is currently illegal in boxing. Get yourself a bat or large stick and hit the boxer with it. He will be unprepared to defend such an attack, and not expecting it. Don't strike the head, just the arms and chest, to the point where his weapons are no longer functioning, and no longer a threat to you. Then, using your arms and fists (see Punch Guide) pummel the boxer at your leisure until he's sufficiently beaten up. How much? That's up to you! Have fun.