Approach the man holding the slice of pizza. (These instructions are for a man holding a slice of pizza in his right hand. For those targeting left-handed pizza lovers, I’m sorry, there’s no data available at this time) Look the man in the eye and firmly say, “Stop! That slice of pizza has been poisoned! Do not continue eating that delicious, yet poison-filled slice of pizza!"
He’s not going to believe you. Keep going.
“I’m warning you for the last time! It. Is. Poison. I don’t care if you’ve witnessed an entire unbroken chain of events beginning with the pie’s creation last night, ending with you holding the slice before me right this second, which convinces you of its so-called purity. They found a way to get to it!”
Grab the pizza from him while shouting “I won’t let you!” Take a huge bite from the slice, and then let out a horrific, anguished scream. Gurgle and thrash about, then say “Ughhh… body… fighting off… the poison… So… very… difficult!! YAGHHHH... Re-configuring... molecules... in stomach...”
Bend at the waist, while screaming banshee-like for all to hear, “You don’t get to beat me!!” Then, suddenly, cease all movement. Stand up, straighten your hair, and say in a calm tone, “It is done.”
The man who earlier held a slice of pizza in his right hand will be totally blown away. A broken, shell of a man, thoroughly intimidated by having just seen you pull off the impossible… Now, at this point you’re no doubt anxious to seize the moment and finish the job with a well placed kick or throat chop. No. Not this time. You put this one in the bank. Look him in the eyes... and then walk away.
Ten years from now, in some other city somewhere you’re going to meet this man again. Perhaps in the middle of a stand-off during a wild shootout. You will pull your ski mask off revealing your identity and his eyes will meet yours… and fill with pure terror. “It’s him,” he will shout, “He who cannot be poisoned!” Then, he and his men will fold like a house of accordions.
Note: The evening before the first encounter, when you sneak into the man’s home, make sure you douse the pizza with a strong, yet odor-free poison. Really rub it into the slice, but carefully, so as not to ruin the surface.
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