Lion taming is easily the most pointless of all human endeavors.
“Imagine, if you are capable, the once proud lion stepping meekly onto a half barrel set in front of some bleachers... Impossible, you say? No longer! … It’s very exciting, no?”
When America collectively said, “I guess” he answered with “Not to give anything away, but a festive, too-tiny hat may also be making an appearance on the beast’s head. So… look for that."
For our purposes we’ll group the lion tamer into two categories: those with lion, and those without. For most other purposes, feel free to group them however you like. Use everything from dominant hand preference to favorite numbers and colors… even body weight. Do it any way you choose, it really doesn't concern me at all.
Lion tamers without a lion are easy pickings as their powers are entirely nullified by the absence of a lion. For the most part they’re now just a gaudily attired human holding a wooden stool. Break the tamer’s spirit by shouting the following. "Where’s your lion, lion tamer? Oh that's right, he left you... just like everyone eventually leaves you... what is it you fail to provide those in your life? Love? Understanding? Commercially available lion food?” (He might have tears streaming down his face at this point. if so, kick him in the neck and end things. No tears? Keep reading.) “Don't bother answering me, lion tamer, for I too shall be leaving you... leaving you... unconscious!"
You might not make it through that whole monologue. Most people, upon realizing you're not just talking to them but, rather, being a huge dick to their face, will just start attacking you. Be ready for this. He might crack his whip towards you but worry not. You’ll find that the whip, though impressive in fiction, is actually bested in reality by EVERY SINGLE OTHER WEAPON, EVER. Pick up a rock or small children’s toy and huck it at him. Or, wait for the whip to wrap around some other object, like a lamppost. He will put his foot up on the lamppost and pull on it in an attempt to free it. When this happens run towards the post, leap and grab it with both your hands, then spin around it, kicking the lion tamer in the face.
The lion tamer with lion is a tougher foe. For one, he's demonstrated the ability to make a commitment to another living thing. No easy task, as scores of sad sack bachelors who claim to love their freedom would be happy to tell you. First, you need to take the lion out of the equation, by befriending it. When it swats at you with a massive paw the size of a lion’s hand, carefully scan it. If you notice a thorn in the paw, you're in luck. If you can remove the thorn before dying from massive head trauma caused by enormous paw-swats to the face and torso, he will become your friend. Shake the newly thorn-free paw, sealing the friendship, then command it to kill the tamer.
No thorn? Find a way to surreptitiously maneuver one into the paw. The easiest way is to challenge the tamer to a fight in a field of dried out cacti. Don’t take no for an answer. Insist you'll totally thrash him... but you must be allowed to pick the place of battle. Dried cacti fields don't grow on trees (thanks for nothing botanists!) so if you must, make it an abandoned rose garden. Or an old sliver factory. Then, after removing the thorn, order the lion to attack his master.
Rejoice! For the lion tamer has been bested... and is now dead. Let’s hope he had no family... and that that lion can keep its mouth shut. Find a place to hole up. Shit might get crazy for awhile.
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