No doubt you've already been given plenty of advice on how to beat a cold. Chicken soup, vitamin C, Airborne remedy, wolfsbane, etc. Nope, total bullshit. None of them work.
It's because they are actually something known as a placebo (pronunciation: pluh-se-bois-la-uiz-in$roargh). A placebo is something that someone gives you that they tell you will work, but actually does nothing. This is also called "getting lied to," or "lying."
Now, if you're going to believe in some miracle cure-all why not have it be something that actually works? Yes, I’m talking about a wizard's magical potion.
They've got one for everything these days. Love, invisibility, levitation, sass, one that prevents face-reddening after you call a co-worker by the wrong name in front of the Arrowhead guy.
There are two ways to kill a wizard, so that you may take his potions: you can kill him by beheading him, or you can kill him with kindness. (I'm actually suspicious of this one. I've been trying it on my neighbor for years. I am nothing but kind to him. I bring him flowers and baked goods, drag in his trash cans, share "fun" recipes with him, it only seems to make him happier. Hmm...)
However, a third option is to get him to give the potions to you. The best way to do this is to slowly over time, break his heart, disappointing him again and again, until he questions the very existence of true good in the world.
Let's elaborate on this one. Prove to him that he was wrong to put his faith in you.
- If he gives you money to use to attend college, spend it on drugs and/or a jet ski. Then ingest the drugs and show up unexpectedly at his house or castle.
- Borrow his winged steed-drawn chariot or Celica without asking. When you return it, tell him you're pretty certain the rear bumper was always hanging off like that and so what if you've had a few drinks, who is he, the god damn drug and alcohol police?
- The last straw should be just outright stealing money from him. Break into and then ransack his home. Knock over vases and sculptures, and open drawers and dump them on the floor. Find his wallet (it will look just like a regular wallet, only with glittery stars and half moons on it) open it and take out the money or purple crystals inside, then toss the wallet on the ground like you totally hate that wallet. Kick it across the room if you like, and feel free to "sneer" while doing so. "Bah, stupid old man, I'll teach you to trust me!" Something like that.
He'll appear in the doorway of his bedroom (did he "magic" himself into that spot from some other location, or just get up from his bed and shamble over? With a wizard, you never really know.) hang his head in shame and say "Just... just take them and go..."
Success! Or, in wizard-speak, "Gazlam!" Go over to the potion counter. Scoop them all up, but leave the "erase memory" potion for him to drink later. That way you guys will still be cool if you ever need him again, and tomorrow you can plead ignorance in regards to his trashed residence.
Now let's take care of that that cold of yours. Pass up the "healing" and "protection" spells for a powerful orange liquid he'll be storing in a plastic bottle rather than a glass beaker. It will be labeled ''Gatorade." Drink this concoction immediately.
Also, remember to get lots of rest, and drink plenty of water. Don't tax yourself, or try to rush the healing process. After a few days of taking it easy, some sleep, and that magical wizard's potion, you'll be good as new!
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