Have a newspaper print the following letter:
"An open letter to the man I swore to destroy 18 years ago, shortly after watching you murder my father in a sword fight.
Well, you can relax, I guess it's not going to happen...
Watching you there, blood-covered katana held above my father's newly-severed head, I was filled with a white hot rage.
Though I was only eight-years-old, I vowed right then to avenge his death. That no matter how long it took, no matter the cost - friends, career, relationships, be damned - I'd track you to the ends of the Earth if need to be, to extract my bloody revenge and finally find some measure of peace within my soul.
I studied at the feet of the world's greatest killers, absorbed the wisdom of the martial art's living gods, dined with Death himself... I gotta say, none of it really stuck. I kind of sucked at it.
As you've no doubt discovered yourself, it's really, really hard to become good at sword-fighting. Like, wow... It's kind of an all or nothing thing. Weekends will not get it done. Ninja-training? Equally hard. I'm not even going to get started on the "killing silently" training. That's what I said then, to the teacher. "I'm not even gonna get started, cause of how hard this looks."
The white hot rage was eventually replaced by a reddish burning anger, then a dull simmering pain (orange?) which was soon replaced by an overall feeling of helplessness and general impotence (definitely yellow-ish).
That was around the time I decided to abandon my blood quest - after losing my left hand, sense of dignity and most of my 20's. From there things went downhill. I tried to reconnect with family but they weren't really interested thanks to my years of shunning them. Maybe that's for the best. I wasn't too excited about telling them I'd failed at the one thing I swore over a dead man's body to accomplish. "How'd your bloody revenge pact go?" "Oh, it didn’t happen, actually.”
It's cool, I guess. I bounced around for awhile, got into the online gaming scene (WoW FTW!), worked in telemarketing… I kind of got back into the idea of killing you a few years ago when that movie Kill Bill came out... but it didn't stick. I did buy a sword rack, though. It's got some shirts draped over it right now. Anyway, just wanted to say we're "cool." If you want your sword back, the one you placed into my trembling hands all those years ago when you dared me to strike you, meet me on the mountain top. It kinda sucks having to see it lying around the apartment next to old US Weeklys and shit."
******
When your nemesis rounds the bend in the trail he will say the following, "Are you the guy who ran the letter?" Say, "Yeah, I'm him." Then he'll say "The letter about about revenge?" You'll say "Yeah, that's the one." He'll say "Oh cool, cool. Just want to be sure." You'll reply "Of course. Hah, I mean I could be anybody just walking by-- Why not take a second to ask, right?" Then he'll say "Oh yeah. You definitely want to be safe in a situation like this--" Then, simultaneously you'll both say "Better to be safe than sorry!" Then you'll both laugh nervously.
When he says, "So, we're cool?" Look him dead in the eyes and say "Not cool." Then, when he's not expecting it (As soon as you say "not cool" the clock is kind of ticking, so act fast.) sever his head using not a knife but a knife-hand chop. Catch his flying head in your hand (having safely turned the knife-hand back into a regular hand). As the light fades from his eyes, say the following "Oh yeah, it was a ruse, and everything in the letter was a lie... TOTALLY A SAMURAI, BUDDY."
With his dying breath, if he still has it, he may say, "You're… a liar?" Just say right back, "No, you're the liar, liar." Typically, a childish, nonsensical reply like this doesn’t get you far when dealing with an intelligent person. However, a not well known loophole is, if the guy you're talking to dies by your hand during the exchange, you absolutely win.
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