How To Beat Up Anything

A sock full of nickels is invaluable in a brawl. It's compact, easy-to-wield and handy when heading to a fight on the opposite side of a tollbooth. Consider it your new best friend... Sorry, Derek.* (Immediately tell Derek your friendship is over.)

Grip the sock close to the the nickel-end.  Don't allow too much slack as that can cause the weapon to get out of control. Target the back of the head and, if facing your adversary, the point of the chin. Swing away!

If you feel the fight slipping away from you, slice a small hole in the sock and dash it against the ground, sending nickels flying everywhere. Immediately, a flock of hobos will descend on the nickels, obscuring everything in a grubby cloud of motion, allowing you to safely make your escape.

*Even though sock-filled-with-nickels is your new best friend, resist the urge to draw eyes and a smiley mouth on it with a magic marker. It's just gonna creep everyone out. And don't talk to it, either.

Critically lauded, Academy Award-loser Aimee Mann wears many hats: singer, songwriter, producer, green felt one with a feather in it… Not impressed? Does this battle sound like a tune-up fight to you? An easy lay-up (I believe this is some sort of “non-punching sport” related phrase. From hopscotch, maybe?) Well think again. For two reasons:

1) I’ve seen her train and spar in the gym. Under the watchful, be-spectacled eyes of hall-of-fame boxing trainer Freddie Roach she was able to box the shit out of an opponent 15 years her junior. She telegraphed her punches a bit. (Literally, there was an old man in her corner tapping electrical signals into a small device every time she threw. It was SO EASY to pick up on.) And she also utilized a slightly too high guard that left her open to body attacks, but otherwise she looked good.