How To Beat Up Anything

Have a newspaper print the following letter:

"An open letter to the man I swore to destroy 18 years ago, shortly after watching you murder my father in a sword fight.

Well, you can relax, I guess it's not going to happen... 

Watching you there, blood-covered katana held above my father's newly-severed head, I was filled with a white hot rage.  

Though I was only eight-years-old, I vowed right then to avenge his death. That no matter how long it took, no matter the cost - friends, career, relationships, be damned - I'd track you to the ends of the Earth if need to be, to extract my bloody revenge and finally find some measure of peace within my soul.

I studied at the feet of the world's greatest killers, absorbed the wisdom of the martial art's living gods, dined with Death himself... I gotta say, none of it really stuck. I kind of sucked at it.

No doubt you've already been given plenty of advice on how to beat a cold. Chicken soup, vitamin C, Airborne remedy, wolfsbane, etc. Nope, total bullshit. None of them work.

It's because they are actually something known as a placebo (pronunciation: pluh-se-bois-la-uiz-in$roargh). A placebo is something that someone gives you that they tell you will work, but actually does nothing. This is also called "getting lied to," or "lying."

Now, if you're going to believe in some miracle cure-all why not have it be something that actually works? Yes, I’m talking about a wizard's magical potion.

They've got one for everything these days. Love, invisibility, levitation, sass, one that prevents face-reddening after you call a co-worker by the wrong name in front of the Arrowhead guy.

You're not ready yet. It's too soon, trust me. He would thrash you like a Sarlacc tearing apart a frightened and disoriented Ed Begley Jr. (Yeah, what was he doing out there in the desert, I don't know either. Maybe looking into the Sarlacc's potential as an alternative energy source? The world may never know the truth.)

Ironically, your youthful exuberance in wanting to take on such a formidable Jedi Master at such an early stage reminds me of a young Luke Skywalker in "Star Wars." When your behavior reminds me of a slightly more mature Luke Skywalker in "Return of the Jedi" that's when I'll know you're ready.

Here's a hint: Luke from Jedi would never wear a fleece, zip-front hoodie with cargo shorts. "Jedi mind tricks" or not, you don't get into the Mos Eisley Cantina dressed like that, no way, no how.