How To Beat Up Anything

Oh really?  Does attacking a man helping a kitten sound horrible to you? I'm sorry, I thought we were in the "how-to-beat-up" business, not the "cupcakes and pretty unicorns" business. (Yes, I know the membership cards say "Cupcakes and Unicorns Association" but as I said, that was a printing mistake. Deal with it.) Maybe you don't have the heart for this. Or the balls. Or the stomach. Come to think of it, I think you're missing numerous body parts crucial to winning battles.

If the mere fact that a man is helping a sweet-faced, fur-covered ball of heavenliness will stop you from punching him in the forehead, I'm not sure you're cut out for this. But I guess, if you really need motivation, you could imagine the man intends to do harm to the kitten. And honestly, who's to say what he's done in his life, prior to deciding to help out an innocent sparkly-eyed slice of adorable. He could be evil. Helping one kitten does not wipeout a lifetime of violence and tyranny (the judge was quite clear on this.) The point is, conjure the motivation you require because at some point in your life you might need to fight a man helping a scared kitten out of a tree. In fact, I can almost guarantee it.

A few people have suggested a how-to for this Peter Parker fellow. To be honest, I don't see much of a challenge here. Let's take a look - bookish, nerdy-type, keeps to himself, and somehow lucked himself into a cushy job selling photos to the Daily Bugle... Uhhh, help me out here guys, what am I missing?? This dude's a total zero and not worthy of our time. This fight should be a cake walk, as HE IS COMPLETELY HARMLESS. This guy sits around all day whining about his Aunt May, getting yelled at by the editor of the Bugle, and then sheepishly kicking at the dirt with his head down anytime a girl walks by. Riiiigght. Reeeaalll intimidating.

Um, approach him and sock him in the head with whatever you feel like throwing. He'll crumble up and blow away just like that guy in the Charles Atlas ads said that other guy in the Charles Atlas ads would do. I honestly can’t imagine A SINGLE THING going wrong. You talk about your born losers, this guy is top o' the list. I mean, what's he gonna do? Take a photo of you kicking his ass? Here's your headline: "NERD GETS STOMPED." No charge for that one, Parker, you DORK.

You beat up a monkey with a hammer the same way you beat up a monkey without a hammer, with one difference. The addition of the extra step: AVOID GETTING HIT IN THE FACE BY THE MONKEY'S HAMMER. Otherwise, it's identical.

If you do end up taking a full-force, monkey-swung, hammer-shot to the noggin - IMMEDIATELY - regardless of which step of "beating up an unarmed monkey" you are on, STOP. Then go directly to the following step: AVOID A FOLLOW UP SHOT TO THE FACE FROM THE MONKEY'S HAMMER. This is kind of a big one. If you had to skip a step from the plan, due to time constraints, or whatever, I'd strongly urge you to skip "bow to your monkey opponent" or even, "gloat over your defeated monkey rival" before you decided to omit this much more important step.

If this proves impossible and the monkey strikes you once again, in the cranium, with the wrought-iron hammer swung with centuries of muscle-memory imbued simian might. DO NOT PANIC. That's crucial... However, not as crucial as what I'm about to tell you, PLEASE DO YOUR BEST TO AVOID THE MONKEY'S NEXT HAMMER BLOW. Could we just fucking focus on that? Please? I mean, really, really try.