I can already hear your confused questions: "Wait, what? Why the hell is this happening? Do Mark Wahlberg and this dinosaur know each other? Or did they just meet up here randomly a minute ago? And why do they want to fight me? Is this is a dream? What do Mark Wahlberg and this dinosaur do together when they're not trying to fight me?
Did Mark Wahlberg summon this thing from the past with a time machine? Or merely discover a dino egg that he then nurtured with love and tenderness, until it hatched out from under him and the specially made "dino-egg nest pillow" he'd been squatting on?"
The answers are: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. You've got a creature with a walnut-size brain to fight, and he's got a dinosaur with him. Honestly, it really doesn't matter "why." Let's just say they like each other’s company and connect on some level. Now, the only tool you'll need for this fight is a toaster with an extra long extension cord. Plug it in and set it aside, it'll come into play later... Tackle Wahlberg first. A quick glance at the threat he poses can seem daunting, due to the following:
1) He's from Boston, which is very impressive to people from Boston.
2) He often wears a leather jacket, (This tells you he's no nerd, otherwise he'd be wearing glasses, like nerds do, and not a leather jacket, like nerds clearly don't do)
3) His level of physical conditioning is unknown. (Does anyone know if he works out? I've never heard anything about that.) And--
4) His greatest weakness (an inability to avoid movies, projects and endeavors that are terrible) is not something that can be exploited in a physical encounter.
However he’s actually not that big of a threat. To begin, FLIP BOTH OF THEM OFF, then immediately take off running towards a heavily wooded, rain forest-type area. The 'saur will lose sight of you but 'berg will begin pursuit. Once you're far enough into the underbrush, turn and confront him.
Step one in defeating Mark? You've got to trick him into putting on a cow costume. Now, there are many ways to do this, as you've no doubt seen documented on plenty of other websites. However, for those of you too lazy to google "Mark Wahlberg, cow costume, trick him into it." I'd say the easiest way to do it is to, on the spot, quickly churn out a horrendous screenplay starring a cow, and then offer to let him audition once he puts on the costume.
I know what you're thinking, "But I'm not a writer... The script will be unread-able... He's probably going to know it sucks, etc." My answers, in order: I know, it will and, he really won't. Trust me, as an expert on fighting, and guy who saw “Max Payne,” it will work. As he's demonstrated over the past decade, for whatever reason, Wahlberg is unable to discern the quality of a script before buying, filming and then appearing in it. ONLY THEN, AND NOT A MOMENT BEFORE. Oh, he might suspect it's bad, he may even make a sarcastic remark, but he WILL proceed with the audition. (and then produce and star in it, if you were to let him, but it wont get that far)
Just grab a large leaf off a tree, and using mud, begin scrawling things on the leaf. Random words, bits of songs you remember, something your uncle once told you, it doesn't matter. Hand the leaves to him as you finish them. At some point while he's reading he'll probably say, "Damn... this is some good shit you got here. What did you say you did for a living?" Just ignore him and insist he jump to the part where he has to don a cow-suit.
Once Wahlberg puts on the suit, have him follow you back into the open ("Mark, I think I saw a 'set' or 'moving picture machine' over this way.") where the waiting T-Rex will devour him...
Now deal with the dinosaur. I can already see you skipping ahead. "T. Rex? That's easy, I just trick it into putting on a cow-suit, then wait for a bigger T. Rex to come along and eat it, right? Or maybe I find some new, even bigger monster, then trick the T. Rex into a giant costume of whatever it is the bigger thing eats!”
Tsk, no. Don’t be stupid. Most T. Rex's don't care about acting, and those that do know how to tell a good script from a bad script far better than Mark Wahlberg.
The Tyrannosaurus Rex (known as the “thunder lizard” due to its habit of frolicking in grassy meadows during rainstorms) is easily the most violent, blood-thirsty predator ever to earn the adoration of children the world over. You're going to be disappointing many, many children with what you're about to do, just know that.
Take out a second cow-suit and using pantomime, reveal to the lizard that he just ate his buddy, Mark Wahlberg, and not some random, vaguely suspicious looking cow with a human face, that stood on two legs. He will shed a massive dino tear that will roll off him, shaking the ground on impact. Grab the toaster you've set aside and hurl it into the tear-pond now at the creature's feet. The beast will be instantly electrocuted. Done!
Urgent Warning: Now that you've beaten the creature, you're going to be tempted to treat yourself. PLEASE, though we all know it'd be delicious, resist the urge to make yourself a plate of celebratory toast. That toaster is still electrified and could prove fatal.
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