What is wrong with you? No one should beat up Tom Hanks. By all accounts he is the sweetest, kindest human man to ever live. He's far too gentlemanly, far too dignified - topped to the brim as he is with Americana and aw-shucks appeal... perhaps even a dash of down-home-iness*- to engage in such a barbaric ritual. He'll leave that to the less evolved creatures, namely, you, me and everyone else.
Not only should no one be attempting to beat up Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks should not be attempting to beat up anyone else. Neither the punchee nor the puncher should Tom Hanks be. In fact, I don't think he should even be anywhere near any sort of fisticuffs situation. (Fistuation? If you nodded "no" to yourself, you are correct.) Ever. Not in any capacity.
Ok, let's say an omnipotent alien-being comes down from the stars with a special freeze-ray, uses it to imprison Tom Hanks in a Captain Kirk-like battle zone and then says to me "Um, listen to me, he's going to be involved in just such a fighting scenario, in some way, and you've got to choose how... or else." What would I do?
I'd say okay, he's going to be the guy who enters as the two combatants start to brawl and (at this point, let's say one of the combatants is me) grabs them both by the collars and orders them to "knock it off." He tells the other guy to "run on home" and then dusts me off a bit before asking "now what was all that fighting stuff about?" At this point I'd tearfully explain the whole thing and Tom would tell a story. About what, I don't know, after all, I'm no Tom Hanks, but it would brighten my mood, put everything including the rest of my life, in perspective... and it would probably involve an astronaut, or a rusty tractor that everyone had given up on.
To sum up. No one should beat up Tom Hanks.
Or at least that's where I was... Then I thought about it again. All of that applies to the Tom Hanks we have today. Who's to say what kind of Tom Hanks we'll have tomorrow. A Tom Hanks gone rogue? A Tom Hanks unchecked by the rest of humanity, free to run roughshod over all we've built and achieved? I'm not saying he has it in him or that it will definitely happen. The Tom Hanks of today gives us no indication of a ruthless, iron-fisted and most likely goatee-d Tom Hanks crushing humanity under his bootheel. Have you seen the movie "The Manchurian Candidate"? I haven't. Sorry, just wondering. I've ALWAYS wanted to see that movie. I'll get back to Tom Hanks now.
I'd hate to think of what would happen, were I to suddenly perish, and take all my Tom Hanks fighting know-how to the grave with me. The knowledge of that would be a terrible cross to bear... I mean, granted, I'm already dead in this scenario so I probably wouldn’t be too concerned, but you get my meaning. If there’s even a small chance my ghost will be forced to wander the Earth trying to set things right, I’d rather just pass on the information now.
Warning: This is for emergency use only. At least three others should be witness to and in agreement regarding Tom Hanks’ rogue status before any one of you should attempt to take him down.
His weakness… is his giant heart. Literally, his heart is the size of an enormous pumpkin. It occupies the majority of his upper body and chest region. Any blow to that area will hurt him like an actual punch to his heart would. Good luck… and may God have mercy on your soul for punching Tom Hanks.
*not actual recipe
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