The Trojan Horse... Indisputably, the greatest tactical maneuver of all-time. But, as crazy as it might sound today (in a world where warring armies are CONSTANTLY leaving enormous hollowed out-statues for each other as gifts that are later revealed to be filled with soldiers who wait until nightfall to slit their throats) there was a time when such an event was a rarity. There was a time, before the Trojan Horse gambit revolutionized warfare, where you'd go dozens of battles without seeing such a thing. Crazy, I know. Since that time has clearly passed, I’m going to tell you how to deal with this all too common foe.
When they wheel that giant wooden horse in, you've GOT to act completely blown away. Say things like "Whoa! Guys! This is-- You did not have to do this! I mean we were JUST fighting two days ago! Thank you sooooo much."
When the army you were fighting leaves and you shut the gates, it's important to keep the facade going for the soldiers inside the horse. You just know they all have drinking glasses and are holding them up to the walls to hear what you're saying. Except their medic, who's probably using a stethoscope.
Walk around the horse with a mile-wide smile, tapping it and saying loudly, "Yep, she sure looks solid, alright" or "I don't have any X-ray equipment on hand, but if I did, I wouldn't even bother using it because this thing is CLEARLY made of solid wood and is not hollow. It's just not." Feel free to gesture to your friends, letting them know that despite your words, you're not buying "this Trojan Horse business." Convey through body language your sarcastic vibe of "YEAH RIGHT ‘it's made of solid wood!’ Uh, Oooookay." Roll your eyes and do the "jerking off motion" while pointing and quiet-laughing.
Beware of any mirrored surfaces on the horse, because they're probably two-way mirrors. This seems unlikely, because of how incredibly odd it would be to receive a large wooden horse as a gift that also had a giant mirror set into its side. But if you do see one, that's what it's for. (Do what you want, but personally, I automatically assume EVERY pane of glass I see throughout my day is a two-way mirror. I don't even feel comfortable using a ladies’ compact mirror without planning how I'd leap through that glass and start punching guys out, if the need arose.)
Take a broomstick and slide it through the handles on the big wooden doors at the front of the horse. Then kick and strike the horse, making lots of noise in the process. Their cover having been blown, the soldiers inside will shout. "Hey you out there, knock it off! Quit shaking it!"
While they are many, and you are one, your advantage is that they must exit, single-file, through a small area to get at you. Climb up the horse, positioning yourself so your kicking foot is right over the door. Alert your trained dog, Pete, to pull the broomstick away, opening the door. Then throw him a “treat.” When the soldiers come storming out, clown-car style, you just stomp each one on the top of the head. Hard, as if your very life depended on it. (It doesn’t, don’t worry) Eventually, some may catch on and be reluctant to leave the horse. Just lie to them and say you promise not to noggin-kick them. After three or four rounds of this, even your promises might not be enough, so just douse the horse and the survivors in gasoline and burn the horse to the ground.
If, rather than soldiers, the horse is filled with a giant birthday cake and people carrying gifts, YOU’VE MADE A HUGE ERROR. Get out of there immediately. Then make new friends.
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