How To Beat Up Anything

Have a newspaper print the following letter:

"An open letter to the man I swore to destroy 18 years ago, shortly after watching you murder my father in a sword fight.

Well, you can relax, I guess it's not going to happen... 

Watching you there, blood-covered katana held above my father's newly-severed head, I was filled with a white hot rage.  

Though I was only eight-years-old, I vowed right then to avenge his death. That no matter how long it took, no matter the cost - friends, career, relationships, be damned - I'd track you to the ends of the Earth if need to be, to extract my bloody revenge and finally find some measure of peace within my soul.

I studied at the feet of the world's greatest killers, absorbed the wisdom of the martial art's living gods, dined with Death himself... I gotta say, none of it really stuck. I kind of sucked at it.

No doubt you've already been given plenty of advice on how to beat a cold. Chicken soup, vitamin C, Airborne remedy, wolfsbane, etc. Nope, total bullshit. None of them work.

It's because they are actually something known as a placebo (pronunciation: pluh-se-bois-la-uiz-in$roargh). A placebo is something that someone gives you that they tell you will work, but actually does nothing. This is also called "getting lied to," or "lying."

Now, if you're going to believe in some miracle cure-all why not have it be something that actually works? Yes, I’m talking about a wizard's magical potion.

They've got one for everything these days. Love, invisibility, levitation, sass, one that prevents face-reddening after you call a co-worker by the wrong name in front of the Arrowhead guy.

You're not ready yet. It's too soon, trust me. He would thrash you like a Sarlacc tearing apart a frightened and disoriented Ed Begley Jr. (Yeah, what was he doing out there in the desert, I don't know either. Maybe looking into the Sarlacc's potential as an alternative energy source? The world may never know the truth.)

Ironically, your youthful exuberance in wanting to take on such a formidable Jedi Master at such an early stage reminds me of a young Luke Skywalker in "Star Wars." When your behavior reminds me of a slightly more mature Luke Skywalker in "Return of the Jedi" that's when I'll know you're ready.

Here's a hint: Luke from Jedi would never wear a fleece, zip-front hoodie with cargo shorts. "Jedi mind tricks" or not, you don't get into the Mos Eisley Cantina dressed like that, no way, no how.

Oh really?  Does attacking a man helping a kitten sound horrible to you? I'm sorry, I thought we were in the "how-to-beat-up" business, not the "cupcakes and pretty unicorns" business. (Yes, I know the membership cards say "Cupcakes and Unicorns Association" but as I said, that was a printing mistake. Deal with it.) Maybe you don't have the heart for this. Or the balls. Or the stomach. Come to think of it, I think you're missing numerous body parts crucial to winning battles.

If the mere fact that a man is helping a sweet-faced, fur-covered ball of heavenliness will stop you from punching him in the forehead, I'm not sure you're cut out for this. But I guess, if you really need motivation, you could imagine the man intends to do harm to the kitten. And honestly, who's to say what he's done in his life, prior to deciding to help out an innocent sparkly-eyed slice of adorable. He could be evil. Helping one kitten does not wipeout a lifetime of violence and tyranny (the judge was quite clear on this.) The point is, conjure the motivation you require because at some point in your life you might need to fight a man helping a scared kitten out of a tree. In fact, I can almost guarantee it.

A few people have suggested a how-to for this Peter Parker fellow. To be honest, I don't see much of a challenge here. Let's take a look - bookish, nerdy-type, keeps to himself, and somehow lucked himself into a cushy job selling photos to the Daily Bugle... Uhhh, help me out here guys, what am I missing?? This dude's a total zero and not worthy of our time. This fight should be a cake walk, as HE IS COMPLETELY HARMLESS. This guy sits around all day whining about his Aunt May, getting yelled at by the editor of the Bugle, and then sheepishly kicking at the dirt with his head down anytime a girl walks by. Riiiigght. Reeeaalll intimidating.

Um, approach him and sock him in the head with whatever you feel like throwing. He'll crumble up and blow away just like that guy in the Charles Atlas ads said that other guy in the Charles Atlas ads would do. I honestly can’t imagine A SINGLE THING going wrong. You talk about your born losers, this guy is top o' the list. I mean, what's he gonna do? Take a photo of you kicking his ass? Here's your headline: "NERD GETS STOMPED." No charge for that one, Parker, you DORK.

You beat up a monkey with a hammer the same way you beat up a monkey without a hammer, with one difference. The addition of the extra step: AVOID GETTING HIT IN THE FACE BY THE MONKEY'S HAMMER. Otherwise, it's identical.

If you do end up taking a full-force, monkey-swung, hammer-shot to the noggin - IMMEDIATELY - regardless of which step of "beating up an unarmed monkey" you are on, STOP. Then go directly to the following step: AVOID A FOLLOW UP SHOT TO THE FACE FROM THE MONKEY'S HAMMER. This is kind of a big one. If you had to skip a step from the plan, due to time constraints, or whatever, I'd strongly urge you to skip "bow to your monkey opponent" or even, "gloat over your defeated monkey rival" before you decided to omit this much more important step.

If this proves impossible and the monkey strikes you once again, in the cranium, with the wrought-iron hammer swung with centuries of muscle-memory imbued simian might. DO NOT PANIC. That's crucial... However, not as crucial as what I'm about to tell you, PLEASE DO YOUR BEST TO AVOID THE MONKEY'S NEXT HAMMER BLOW. Could we just fucking focus on that? Please? I mean, really, really try.

Approach the man holding the slice of pizza. (These instructions are for a man holding a slice of pizza in his right hand. For those targeting left-handed pizza lovers, I’m sorry, there’s no data available at this time) Look the man in the eye and firmly say, “Stop! That slice of pizza has been poisoned! Do not continue eating that delicious, yet poison-filled slice of pizza!"

He’s not going to believe you. Keep going.

“I’m warning you for the last time! It. Is. Poison. I don’t care if you’ve witnessed an entire unbroken chain of events beginning with the pie’s creation last night, ending with you holding the slice before me right this second, which convinces you of its so-called purity. They found a way to get to it!”

Grab the pizza from him while shouting “I won’t let you!” Take a huge bite from the slice, and then let out a horrific, anguished scream. Gurgle and thrash about, then say “Ughhh… body… fighting off… the poison… So… very… difficult!! YAGHHHH... Re-configuring... molecules... in stomach...”

Lion taming is easily the most pointless of all human endeavors. 

 

“Imagine, if you are capable, the once proud lion stepping meekly onto a half barrel set in front of some bleachers... Impossible, you say? No longer! … It’s very exciting, no?” 

 

When America collectively said, “I guess” he answered with “Not to give anything away, but a festive, too-tiny hat may also be making an appearance on the beast’s head. So… look for that."

 

For our purposes we’ll group the lion tamer into two categories: those with lion, and those without. For most other purposes, feel free to group them however you like. Use everything from dominant hand preference to favorite numbers and colors… even body weight. Do it any way you choose, it really doesn't concern me at all. 

Great Tiger is a contender in the boxing association showcased in the video game "Mike Tyson’s Punch Out." As you can see from the photo he's in an awful hurry to cement the "tiger" part of his name in your mind, as he's got a tiger head and skin in his corner. The "great" part, however, is still a bit of a tenuous connection. Adequate Tiger would've been more appropriate.

On a more serious note, I'd like to point out that the sanctioning body's continued blatant disregard for the rule book in regards to Great Tiger is disgraceful. That they allow him to compete in a professional  prize fight while wearing a full turban is quite troubling. All manner of foreign object or weapon could be contained within to say nothing about the turban possibly blinding Tiger himself if it came loose and covered his eyes.

 

The second egregious oversight by the commision concerns the bizarrely overgrown Clarke Gable/villain mustache currently on the Tiger's upper lip. For the commission to allow Tiger to go out there and fight with this 'stache night after night when they know damn well that current fashion finds that style COMPLETELY out of vogue is just negligent. An act that could prove damaging to not only Tiger's ego but his entire sense of indiviudal creative freedom.

What is wrong with you? No one should beat up Tom Hanks. By all accounts he is the sweetest, kindest human man to ever live. He's far too gentlemanly, far too dignified - topped to the brim as he is with Americana and aw-shucks appeal... perhaps even a dash of down-home-iness*- to engage in such a barbaric ritual. He'll leave that to the less evolved creatures, namely, you, me and everyone else.

Not only should no one be attempting to beat up Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks should not be attempting to beat up anyone else. Neither the punchee nor the puncher should Tom Hanks be. In fact, I don't think he should even be anywhere near any sort of fisticuffs situation. (Fistuation? If you nodded "no" to yourself, you are correct.) Ever. Not in any capacity.

Ok, let's say an omnipotent alien-being comes down from the stars with a special freeze-ray, uses it to imprison Tom Hanks in a Captain Kirk-like battle zone and then says to me "Um, listen to me, he's going to be involved in just such a fighting scenario, in some way, and you've got to choose how... or else." What would I do?